Its not FAIR

Journal#20

It's not FAIR

Today I had a moment and I actually got on Facebook to check in on my friends and family. Time seems to pass so quickly these days. Weeks fly by in the blink of an eye and for the most part it never bothers me one little bit. Then there are days like today where I find myself marveling at kids Vaughn’s age and how much they have grown and how mature they are.  I feel guilty looking at their pictures because I feel a bit sad. I will never know what my sweet baby could have become.

I notice the way their faces reflect their age and how many of them are just beginning to blossom into the young men they will become. I watch over them like a forgotten godmother, wishing them nothing but the best. I miss home, but find it very difficult to return there these days. Time keeps rolling on, and yet I feel very much stuck in 2010.

I wonder what he would have looked like. I wonder who is first girlfriend would have been and what she would have been like. I will never get to nurse a broken heart and get excited over his first date/kiss. We never got to take a summer road trip with concert stops along the way. I will never know the answer to so many questions, and it makes me feel cheated. I can’t get passed the feeling of being robbed.

It isn’t with me every moment of my life, and it actually takes you by surprise more often than not. You never know what will trigger a difficult memory. I once broke down in tears because I saw a little boy who looked like him from behind and yet another time because I thought I smelled him on the wind. It’s silly, and I wish I could explain it in a rational way, but I am afraid there isn’t anything rational about grief.  It took me a while to realize there is nothing wrong with me, for so long I was afraid people saw me as damaged. I’m not damaged, I am a survivor. I have survived the things nightmares are made of and I still refuse to give in to it.

https://web.facebook.com/ruvi.mandreza.5

I Miss My Sons

Journal#019 - 14June

I Miss My Sons

I miss my sons today, both of them.  In the midst of all the emptiness and loneliness, I had a moment of clarification, I have no one to share this weekend with.  I came home to an empty house and have no one to talk to about my adventures.  I do what I do to make my sons proud of me, and neither one of them were there to share the day with me.  It was amazing. 

I’ve never been a part of anything so awesome in my entire life and if I never do another thing, I can surely hang my hat on this weekend. Vaughn and Kyle would have been so proud, at least I hope they would have. It was amazing to see all the families out and about enjoying the day.  There were bikes and strollers and dogs and babies, oh so many babies. It was beautiful, and then it hit me…I’m alone here. 

I had to fight my depression and anxiety attack all weekend. I reached outside of my box and tried not to have anything close to a “meltdown”, but yea.. I laid it all out there because I needed something to take to completion. I needed to finish this and see it through. I wanted to make sure that everyone walked away happy because it is how I try to fill the empty space in my heart that just can’t seem to get filled up anymore. No matter how happy I want to be, I feel so empty without my family. 

There are so many people in situations that would break me and they survive daily. They deal with struggles and difficulties doing things I simply take for granted. I never want to forget Vaughn and Kyle was a gift and even though I didn’t get them as long as I wanted them, I surely had them for amazing years. I’ll admit today I am having a hard time. At the end of the day I have no one to show it to or share it with. Not one person I loved was around and I have to admit, it broke my heart a little.

Letting go is freedom

Journal#018

Sometimes you meet someone and you believe in your heart, they are your person. But then you realize they were just another lesson. Know who you are. Because letting go of someone you love, is the hardest thing you will ever do. But letting go, is freedom.

Camotes Island

Journal#017

Camotes Island

Its been a few days I have not updated my journal but it's been so great that I was still manage to keep my running routine straight from may24 through may28.I kept myself really busy to avoid breaking down again. This is my only winning move I can think of this time and maybe, just maybe adding some mountain climbing soon if I could have more time. 

Sunday just after work, we went to Camotes Island to explore several tourist attraction with my team from work and we also went on few beaches to relax and few natural caves around the island. It was a great experience to be with people I worked with and they're very nice to deal with. I started meeting people and made few friends already. It feels good to have made new friends and aquintances along the way. Great experience! 

I love the smell of the grass, the trees and flowers. When I look at them, I feel at peace. It's so silent but beautiful and it makes me think about love and life. I see how happy people lived there. Really far from life in the city. Life there are very slow and very simple but worth the living. I also met Aladin, a 7 year old male horse and it feels so great to talk to a horse even if he does not understand me. Ahahahaha! I see the beauty of the island in a different perspective. Life is great after all! 

I will never forget this new memories I've made. I know Im making a great progress in life and I will continue to keep it going. Life is too short and I will make use of what is left of it. I will keep on pressing forward for this new journey and I know it's not an easy path to take but as long as I am making it count every single day, I know I will be alright. God knows my desires and my intentions are pure even from my past life. And I know He is trying to teach me something new and all I have to do is find the answer. And so far I am learning my trade. 

I honestly don't know where I am going now but I know this is the right thing to do. I will be patient on finding the answer. It should be there somewhere.

Next level

Journal#016

Work is done for this week and im back on my feet. Im planning to run in Abellana Sports Complex later this morning. I have to go home first and get my things pack up. 

I had a rough week and I was able to manage it. I call it "Depression Withdrawal Syndrome"

It is when you are about to get out of that zone and you have to pass through the last huge wave ahead. I remember playing plant vs zombies; in order for you to get to the next level, not only that you have to kill all the small zombies, you have to face and pass through the big boss. The same way you have to deal with the last wave of the process. 

I consider it as the last test to measure whether or not you will be able to make it to the next round. Now that ive gone through them, I know I am getting stronger to face the new chapter. Anyway, I dont want to talk about it anymore. Whats important is I can focus on what is ahead. 

Abellana, see you later. This is a great day!

Why me?

Journal#015

Confession101

Things turn out so well until yesterday. I had a major breakdown and I did not see that coming. I began to cry and I don’t even know why. My mind was playing on me BIG time. Grabe ka sakit. Dli nku ma figure out nganong mutulo nalang akong luha. I felt the pain inside and I don’t know where it’s coming from. All I know is Im doing the right thing this time. I don’t want to have another failure again in life. I really wanted to be happy and be the man I suppose to be. 

Last night when I was about to go to work, I suddenly felt different. As if something is going to happen. As if someone is going to leave. I started crying as I go down the stairs and then this happened. I didn’t expect that moment so I decided to take a day off. I informed my manager that im not going to work. I decided to take a day off not because I had to deal with this again but it will affect my work and I don’t want that to happen.

So I went back upstairs and immediately went to my bed. I could not stop crying. It took me 2 to 3 hours before I realize I was crying. Kabalo ka anang sige ka ug hilak without knowing you really are crying until you realize and see yourself at it. Naka ask ko sa ako self, “why am I crying?” I was trying to talk to myself but the other person wont respond. So this time I continue to cry but at least I am aware of it. 

But WHY? Why me? Its been a battle in my mind last night and I was alone. The other person is not talking. It took another hour before I felt sleepy. And guess what? I slept for more than 13 hours. And when I woke up, I said, “That was another hell of a story to tell.” Suddenly, the other person responded, “hell yeah!” kung kanus-a tika kailangan, usa paka wala nagparamdam. And then I felt better. The end.

Hugot

Jounal#014

They say “past is past,“ but I know most of us finds “hugot” to be quite funny and somehow relatable because it tackles about our pasts (mostly heartaches). But on a serious note, leaving the past behind is actually biblical, and allows me to share what was impressed in my heart after reading some of Paul’s writings. Please don’t think I’m being “KJ” about all these. Trust me, I will still crack some hugot jokes after this, and you will know later – in the last part… (just saying lol)

Anyway! So what does the scripture say about the saying “past is past?” Here’s what I learned from Paul’s writing.

In Philippians 3, he ends a section there by saying “One thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus” (verses 13–14). Does “forgetting” here means not to remember the past at all? I believe in this passage, forgetting means “no longer caring for, neglecting & refusing to focus on” and not really wiping out old memories. Paul tells us to count the past as nothing which also means that we cut the strings that tie us to that bygone moment, refuse to allow past successes to inflate our pride, refuse to allow past failures to deflate our self-worth, leave every memory behind, and rather adopt our new identity in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17).

So does that also mean that we should not bring up the past anymore? Definitely not! In fact, there are many times God instructs us to REMEMBER. In Deuteronomy 9:7, Moses tells the Israelites to “remember this and never forget how you aroused the anger of the Lord your God in the wilderness. From the day you left Egypt until you arrived here, you have been rebellious against the Lord.” Obviously, we are, at the same time, encouraged to remember all God has done for us (Psalm 77:11; 103:2), remember others who are suffering for Christ’s sake (Hebrews 13:3; Colossians 4:18), and what we were before Jesus saved us (Ephesians 2:11–12). But the remembering should be to the GLORY of GOD. Our history should be HIS STORY, for our past is our own share of victory in Christ Jesus – our GOD-glorifying testimony.

If God chooses not to remember our past sins (Hebrews 8:12), we can choose to set them aside as well and embrace the future He promises to those who love Him (Romans 8:28; Ephesians 2:10). Let not our past, good or bad, shape us. Again, our new identity is in Christ. He said in His word that “the old has passed away; behold, the new has come” (2 Corinthians 5:17). He already knew us, & He’s already got everything figured out right even before we were born (Jeremiah 1:5).

Instead of dwelling in the past, have that peace that our God is an awesome God who loves us so much, and that His plans are better than ours. If you still have “hugots” about previous experiences, let it be a hugot that reminds you how God saved you from the wrong one, and how He took you out & saved you from something worse (or even worst).

So to all my “Hugot” friends out there, don’t forget to share your hugot story for God’s glory!

A sweet pardon

Journal#013

Many times we are so fed up of what we currently have wherein we dont know whats out there ahead. And many times we are so focused on our problems and not on the solution. We are more focused on receiving but not giving. Most of the time we live in a life full of distraction. We focused on so many things and we forgot who we really are and who God wants us to be.

I finally figured out something in my life. Something I need to do to completely get out of my my shell and fly. I realized I been hiding from who should I really become. Im starting to figure out my purpose in life.

I have never been very happy like this my entire life. Its like its been a long time i feel being so imprisoned in my past. Its like Im about to be executed to end everything in that moment and in my final hour, a sweet a pardon that was served to me and soon I will be on my way out towards the gate. Hayssssst****

Sometimes darkness can show you the light

Journal#012 

I have sooo many things to tell you. It was soooo much fun and worth spending time with myself. Things are getting clearer and clearer as I go along with the process. All this time, I never thought life was sooo full of wonderful things and things that kept me to enjoy life the way it should be. And now my life is full of hope and adventure. Something to move forward to. Something that fires me up when im down. Something to be thankful about. Something to cherish every single moment and it's worth the living.

The past few years in my life, i've been sooo consume with all the negativity this world has and now I learned how not to intertain them. It's a matter of choice that we do in a daily basis. And I learned that forgiveness has a big factor on healing. I never thought of doing that thinking that it does not make any difference at all until I tried. It all started when I came back running again. It made me think a lot of possible things and it made me realize that I am living a life full of hatred and misery. I was able to identify all of my weaknesses and strength. 

All of those times, I realize i have lived and trapped on the other side. Those questions and realization came out from a clear and sound mind. Just like what Albert Einstein said, "as our circle of knowledge expands, so does the circumference of darkness surrounding it." In other words, in expanding our awareness, we just expose our ignorance. The more we come to know, the more we realise we do not know.

Even when you're in the dark, it's never too late to do the right thing. It's normal that we cannot see things the way it should be but all of us has to realize and learn how to find that light even if it's too small. One thing I learned about darkness is that It helps us to find the light. So you see, sometimes darkness can show you the light.

Highlight of the story:

Im starting to see the beauty and wonder of this world. The life that we should all experience and live. So give yourself a break and try to feel and listen to the inner being inside of you. That small voice most of the time we ignore, that is the voice of the Lord trying to reach out to you. You probably have a different story to tell but know this.. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

New quest

Journal#011

I had a conversation with myself earlier after work. I will tell you later. So, I went home at 6am. And when I arrived home, I was so excited. And guess what? I ran again. 8 good rounds around the village, non-stop and 2 rounds walking, cool-down. I drop by to the nearest karenderya to grab some sud-an and went back home. Sorry I cant help myself not to draw all the cards. But hey! I feel happy today. 

So what did myself and I discussed about? We thought about getting into a roadtrip this coming Saturday. So we both decided to rent an automatic sedan or any small cars available. Where to? We have not finalize it yet but we will surely complete this quest, rain or shine. Sometimes treating ourselves is nescesary. I deserve this after all. I once lost myself and now I found him. Hiding within the deepest part of me. So... What are you waiting for? Treat yourself! You deserve it!

Live a little

Journal#010

Grabe ka daghan sa labhonon. Ahahahaha, nahuman rjud. Thank you Lord! 

Naa nasad koy bag.o nga na-learn today. Dli dapat ipugos ang usa ka butang kung dli jud pwede ky kita ray mag-antos in the end. Sometimes we forget how to make the most of where we are. We should live a little. 

All things happen for a reason. Sometimes you get what you wanted and sometimes you dont. Maybe because there is something better out there waiting for us to be found in the right place at the right time. Something that you deserve (or someone).

Pursuit of Happiness

Journal#009 - May10 9:40am

Pursuit of Happiness

During my training at the company that I am currently working with, It was very hopeless and the most difficult experience I've had so far. I already lived with my cousin when I started a job. All of a sudden, his mom decided to come and visit him. So I had no choice. I had to move out somewhere and I had no enough money to pay for a down payment. 

I spoke with my trainer. I saw that they were really trying their best to help me. It took a week though before they get an approval. They allowed me to use the sleeping quarter inside the company building. 

I still remember the feeling of being relief. At least I know that I am not alone and that God is watching over me. I made a few but true friends. And I was so thankful that despite of shortage of allowances they still manage to bring me food to eat each day until I was able to stand on my feet.

Confession101

Journal#008

Revealation

I had another 11 rounds of running this morning. In fact, mao pjud paghuman nko. Grabe ang singot murag bag.ong laba akong sanina, ahahaha. Well, today I will just take it easy. I will just stay at home and relax because I still have work tonight. :-)

Dugay kaayo ko nakatulog gabii. Daghan kaayong thoughts ning sulod sa akong mind, so ako nalang gi log (005, 006 & 007). Those are just me talking to myself. Sometimes when I do that, I become pure to myself. 

Every time na mag post ko ug Confession101 that means I am embracing the pain until until mukalma ko. This is going on and on every time I have nothing to do. And thats normal when you are going through something. You are fighting within. Your brain is suddenly becomes the battlefield and your mind is your enemy. 

Memories will stay memories pero naay mga memories nga naay mga tusok-tusok, naa say uban walay sulod which is nuetral or good memories lang. My point is this, overtime those bad memories will have its own perfect time to heal itself and sooner or later you will realize that the pain is gone even if those memories are still present. It now becomes a distant memories that served a lesson and that is no longer bothering.

It hurts

Journal#007

Confession101

The hardest part was letting you go. The hardest part was understanding that you didnt want to stay and that hurt much more

Letting you go

Journal#006

Confession101

I chose to let you go pero wala ko ning giveup. Wala man ko gikapoy pero naka amgo lang ko. Gibuhat man nko ang tanan pero dli nman ka. Im ready to forget you na. I know dli sayon pero I will make sure just in case magkita man gani ta, ok na ko

Acceptance

Journal#005

Confession101

I've finally accepted that it's time to let you go now. I missed you for a while. I cried over it. I spent a long time wondering why you did what you did. But I eventually accepted it. 

You will always hold a special place in my heart. But you no longer belong to my life. Ive learned a lot from you and I see my worth now. 

Its time for me to move on with my life, the same way you did with yours.

Another Rounds

Journal#004

I had another jogging session earlier around 8AM. It was a good run. I made 5 rounds running around the compound. Grabe ka hangak, ahahaha. I also watched citichurch online service with pastor Bryan as the speaker. 

I would say I've been productive today and I notice I have been improving. I lost the will to do something before and now I am a new creation in Christ. I am doing exactly what I needed to do. Depression and anxiety really can blind you to do what has to be done. And I thank all the people who's behind my progress. I really can't do it alone. God has used you to to bless me and now I can feel the love of the Lord through you guys.

Missing Kyle

Journal#003

Just woke up and remember it's Kyle's 24th Monthsary. I missed him so badly. Few of my friends said that don't worry about him. He's been taken care of his mom and I will see him soon. Time will come he will look for me. Well, I agree pero as a father, no matter how things are regardless of the reason, he is still a father and he will always be a father to his son. Just like our Abba Father He always think about his son.

I will just continue with this journey and there is nothing left to do but to trust the process. They say, time heals wound. Well, that's it for now. I'll just make coffee and start my day.

Jogging

Journal#002

Jogging for 5km run from 730pm to 900pm. Grabe! Naligo ko ug singot. Pero worth ang time nga ako gihatag sa ako self. Karon rman sad nko na.hobby ang jogging para dli ma-occupy akong mind sa mga bad memories nga akong naagian at the same time likay sa depression and anxiety. Im happy that it works for me. Gahapon sad nag jogging sad ko for almost 5km, libot2x lang sa compound. 

Im planning to go to abellana sports complex to push this passion in jogging further starting next week. At least I now have something to be busy and more time for myself. Unya na ng relationship, muabot rko ana puhon.

Dear Ex

Journal#001

Dear Ex. I’ll end this. It’s been a while since we broke up and I have finally decided to end this. But before that, I wanted to tell you this. Thank you. Those were the words I kept on saying when you came into my life. I said before, “Thank God, I found you.” Because it’s like you were sent from heaven. Your eyes, your lips, your smile, it’s like an angel on earth. Thank you for those sweet moments we shared. From the morning hug, morning kiss and we even brushed our teeth together. Thank you for the love and care. I thought we will always be like that until forever. But our story was far from a fairytale. We did not live happily ever after. It is true what they say. The break up hurts you but it is the memories that crushes your soul. You can’t imagine that it’s the sweet memories that really breaks your heart. I can remember all the things I did just to ease the pain. I drowned myself with alcohol. I lost myself on my journey towards finding a way to forget you. I would give anything just to remove all the pain that I feel. 

Dear Ex. I remember when I saw you once, and here I am struggling to forget you. But you were so ok that it looked like you were not in pain when you lost me. 

Dear Ex. Why so sudden? Why will you replace me like that? I hate you! For hurting me so bad, for making me feel that I am the biggest mistake in your life. It was hard to accept the fact that you pushed me away. Was it because that my whole world just spined around you? Is it sin to love you that much? You were so complacent because you know that I will give everything for you. I didn’t think that despite everything, I was still not enough. I don’t know why but I am sorry. I’m sooo sorry that I was never enough. Despite that, I swallowed my pride because I still wanted you back. It hurts when you said that you want to give up already. I’m stupid, very stupid. 

Dear Ex. Thank you so much! If it’s not with you, I would not realize my own worth as a person. I learned to love myself first, you are the reason why I know that I deserve so much better.

If you are hurting right now, bear with it. If someone you love left you, don’t suppress the feeling. Cry it out. If it really hurt that much, trust that one day, you will be ok. Remember, the only way to remove the pain is to go through it. Because one day when you are walking down the aisle, looking at the love of your life, you will be thankful why it did not work with anybody else.