I Miss My Sons

Journal#019 - 14June

I Miss My Sons

I miss my sons today, both of them.  In the midst of all the emptiness and loneliness, I had a moment of clarification, I have no one to share this weekend with.  I came home to an empty house and have no one to talk to about my adventures.  I do what I do to make my sons proud of me, and neither one of them were there to share the day with me.  It was amazing. 

I’ve never been a part of anything so awesome in my entire life and if I never do another thing, I can surely hang my hat on this weekend. Vaughn and Kyle would have been so proud, at least I hope they would have. It was amazing to see all the families out and about enjoying the day.  There were bikes and strollers and dogs and babies, oh so many babies. It was beautiful, and then it hit me…I’m alone here. 

I had to fight my depression and anxiety attack all weekend. I reached outside of my box and tried not to have anything close to a “meltdown”, but yea.. I laid it all out there because I needed something to take to completion. I needed to finish this and see it through. I wanted to make sure that everyone walked away happy because it is how I try to fill the empty space in my heart that just can’t seem to get filled up anymore. No matter how happy I want to be, I feel so empty without my family. 

There are so many people in situations that would break me and they survive daily. They deal with struggles and difficulties doing things I simply take for granted. I never want to forget Vaughn and Kyle was a gift and even though I didn’t get them as long as I wanted them, I surely had them for amazing years. I’ll admit today I am having a hard time. At the end of the day I have no one to show it to or share it with. Not one person I loved was around and I have to admit, it broke my heart a little.